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She informed me on our first session that I was a sex and love addict. I picked up the phone in desperation and called my friend’s trusted therapist. I was coming into my late 20s and I had hit an emotional bottom. I had been acting out for the last 15 years. Are you going to be on your deathbed, never genuinely connected to another soul? That was the question ringing in my head.Īs I glared at my reflection eleven years ago in that hotel mirror, it officially was my Dark Night of The Soul. I was trapped by my own lies until the truth was staring at me right in that mirror. Instead of breaking up with a boyfriend, I’d keep them dangling to make sure I was never alone until I was happily in love with a new guy. I made myself always seem available even when I was still officially taken. I would begin flirting more with my male friends. I would eventually get bored and start roaming for my next conquest. They could just never give me everything I needed. Many behaviours that stemmed from my addiction kept me separate and feeling like I was unique and special. «I was always trying to fill that deep hole with more attention and love» But the reality was that I was lost, always trying to fill that deep hole with more - more attention and more love. It was the perfect fantasy world for me and what I dreamed my life would be like. Like a moth, I was drawn to the glitz and glamour of the Hollywood lifestyle. As an addict, I wanted to escape my everyday life and become someone else. I’m an addict, and my drug of choice is men. I wanted to have power and control over almost everyone in my life because inside, I felt so powerless and out of control. Sex was just the weapon I used to conform to whatever they needed me to be to ultimately conquer them.įor years, I’ve been powerless over my addiction to people. It was never truly about the physical, sexual act, but more about the chase. Once I trapped them, I would start searching for my next victim, sometimes overlapping the relationships. I searched for the perfect partner to have power and control over their emotions. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.ĭesperate not to lose that feeling, I would flirt, intrigue, and jump from relationship to relationship to catch that high. As our lips touched, it was like fireworks exploding all over my body. The friend cornered me in a closet and kissed me. The kicker was it was with his best friend on the baseball team. It really kicked it into high gear when I was 14 and cheated for the first time on a boyfriend. I was always boy crazy and loved to flirt even at the age of 10. It eventually transferred to the boys in grammar school. One of my first memories of it was always trying to keep my father’s attention 24/7. But I probably wore more in my personal life.
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As an actor, I wore many masks, playing cheaters and liars on TV and in films. I was always looking for someone to fix or complete me. I had always moulded myself into whatever and whoever my love interest desired me to be. I looked at myself in that hotel mirror and saw the shell of the woman I had once again become. And because that was my fantasy, that night on set I was about to go back to my old ways of cheating and lying. One where the lead is in a different country, meets her knight in shining armour and falls deeply, madly in love and travels the world in luxury. I always fantasised about my life like a scene from a movie.
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I was then about to have another affair on a film set in the middle of nowhere. That was me at one of my lowest points when I was thousands of miles away from my live-in boyfriend. You know that type of person- the one who’s rude to waiting staff and thinks they’re all that. Have you ever found yourself sitting in a dark hotel room with a coworker in a foreign city on a work trip about to blow up your life? It was someone I hardly knew and quite frankly never liked as a person.